moving on

..this will be the last entry for this blog.

wasnt much of a blog. but its been a great place for me to let out what i feel and think.
its nothing about this blog, but the timing seems right for a new one.

this one does have a certain sentimental value for me…so i`m gonna keep it for a while…
will delete when i`m ready ~

a blessing in disguise

ermm..
i’ve been thinking to shut this blog down.
but sthg happened last few days.
so maybe i cud write it down before i post my closing speech.

i often heard abt ppl who have this habit of mistakenly sending sms to people who are the subject in the sms – i hv this friend who always sent her texts meant for her husband to me!! some are just hillarious to read!!

but thats exactly what happened to me last thursday.

i was composing this sms for my bestfriend – crying my heart out abt this guy i hv a crush on – and i mistakenly sent the sms to that guy himself!!
n this is the kind of stuff thats very deep and serious. i might as well just made a full confession of my feelings!!

my immediate reaction was to send another sms asking him to ignore that sms, and just delete it. i was sure he must have read it, but reading it twice would obviously further the damage..so i thot i cud do some damage control. but i dont think it made any difference.

if it was not for some urgent work, i would have taken e.l then next day. but i coudnt, so i did go to work.

and for the first hour i felt like i was sitting on fire…jantung rase cam nak tercabut!!
it was totally logic if he would want to ignore me. we are very close. and what i did was the biggest sin in a friendship. no, not the sms part. the crush part~
it wasnt right of me to have feelings for him. esp when i know he already had a gf. which he just did recently actually- recent in relative to when i`ve started having this issue.. but he never changed his attitude, the way he acts around me so i guess i made an excuse to myself to delay moving on~~

but i was suprised myself when he actually talked to me like nothing happened, ok maybe slightly awkward than usual but he did take that effort to appear normal.
thats exactly the type of guy he is, matured and gentleman. slightly rough but kindhearted.
younger than me but very wise and ambitious.

blame me for falling for that ~~

and now, things are obviously awkward. we still talk to each other. well maybe 50% than we normally do. he doesnt come hanging around my workstation bugging me with silly jokes while charging his phone anymore…and the small talks are now kept to minimum.

its sad to have things ending this way, but i know this is like a blessing in disguise. i was living in denial. living in the false pretense that i was hoping for nothing. when deep inside i was still holding on to it.
but what happened this time left me no option but to move on. and let it be.
and no matter how hard and painful, i know that i have to go through this delicate situation carefully. especially if i at least want to have him as a friend.
i feel bad for putting him in such a difficult situation, it never should have happened, but it did and i’m sorry.

but for once, at least i know that somebody knows how i feel.

-soul searching trip-

ok..so my vaio is in trouble again. and this time its the hard disc ;-(
but hvnt got the time to go buy a new one yet…so been laying low this week..
but guess where i`m at now??
at this moment i`m sitting silently in az*an office -way up north- in kangar ~ waiting for her to get her stuff done before we cud embark on our adhov jln2 carik makan+gambar mission
dude..had some jakun moments seeing all those sawah padi when we were otw here this morning..cant wait to snap2!!

tol～lg teruk dr PLUS!!

its been hard these couple of weeks but i’m still alive, though hardly breathing. i’ve never been busier at work, considering this is my first time doing project from early stage, guess its sthg i shud hv expected.on top of that,there’re many things playing in my mind right now it is such a rollercoster ride nowadays. but not gonna elaborate on that.
i managed to squeeze in a balik kg weekend into this such busy schedule – had to actually. a 2nd cousin got married last weekend so had to drive my parents there.though hv always liked weddings, those of families and relatives are a bit more complicated. you dont just go as a guest. hv to stay a little longer, mingle around with aunties and grannies and answer questions. simple questions, but not so easy to answer…and this time was no exception. as expected people apparantly are so excited to know whether or not i was following the bride’s footstep anytime soon!!! and since the bride is actually a year younger me, couldnt help but feeling that these people were asking with sarcasm.
although i really hate being a subject of such matter, in truth these people dont have much effect in actual case…
i myself am feeling that its abut time i met someone. though its kinda mysterious and exciting thinking that this person could be anywhere in this world, the thought that its going to be so much later in life sometimes freak me out. i believe though, that no matter how long it takes to wait, its much worth it than taking whats now thats not real.

anyway, had fun playing photographer at the wedding. the main photographer wasnt that serious like the ones we always see around here in KL, so i was quite free to shoot.
and its been a while actually since i attended a typial johor wedding – love the part where the bride side block the groom side from getting near the pelamin. in other words – tol- in this case, we had 5 of them!!!
and here’s some shots…

~krayon merah jambu~

beri aku sekotak krayon
sama pemadam magis
biar aku padam hati kelabu
conteng dgn krayon ungu, atau mungkin merah jambu

well..maybe life is like a box of crayon..
there’s purple and pink. there’s blue and green. pretty and likable.
but there’s also black and grey. deep and dark. not exactly our favourites.
so whatever color life is today, is it fate or simple coincidence?

back in town

i’m back in town.
after a short trip to kuantan,pahang.
went to a colleague’s wedding, my first ever ‘commercial’ shooting
feel like celebrating hehe..
definetely different to hv the mandate as the official photographer – no more shooting from the corner like i always had to. and its an advantage that i know the couple. too bad we couldnt hv a little outdoor due to bad weather.
but as much as i was enjoying the ‘gig’, too bad i missed lepaking with the rest. but i joined some of them for the trip back to kl. made a little stop to TEMERLOH,where i used to stay when i was in primary school!!
woo seriously..if i were alone, i would hv stopped by the old KG BUSUT JIN and my beloved SEK.KEB.BANDAR MENTAKAB hehe..maybe next time
we went to hv some ikan patin lemak tempoyak for dinner( duhh..it is temerloh!)
continued the journey next, and arrived home around 12.30am.
fun but tiring.

now, i have to focus on processing those pics from the wedding.

p/s;
everytime i said ‘yes’ to the Q whether i was driving alone to kuantan, ppl tend to make such a weird face. as if its such a big thing when its sthg i really dont mind doing. a bit boring though, but should i limit what i do n where i go just because i dont have somebody to drive me here n there?
please, i dont need to be pitied.

wrong title

..few days ago, this dude i knew from the induction program back when i first started working, came to my office presenting his wedding invitation card. and guess whats on the envelope – PUAN *ARAH -
thats not the end..inside on the card its written PUAN *ARAH & HUSBAND..??!!
felt like killing myself more that i wanted to kill that dude.
10 minutes later, that guy called, saying sorry he got it wrong. somehow somebody pointed it out to him.
yeah yeah u’re forgiven.
but the damage is done.
ermm now i wonder..do i come across to many people as ‘married’?
cos if thats the case, i’m in trouble.

5 plus 2

this week somehow felt soooo long ~ and its not over yet.
will be working saturday n sunday – not as long as normal hours, but since i’ve got some stuff to do to stay being normal and sane – will have to clock in early. almost as early as normal working days so i could dismiss myself by noon.
so, 5+2..get it?its just frustrating how other people’s stupid schedules effect my schedule. not only my working, but also my personal schedule.
what i do now almost everyday is sitting in front of the CATIA V5 station, working on the cad data + drawing for one of the exclusive parts for our future model. since i’m in the engineering design department – not styling yaa so dont complain to me that our models dont look good!! – we basicly get the styling data from the styling designers who really like to issue their on friday evening, 6pm.
and our bosses would expect some feedback to these datas on monday. as if we dont have a life.
well at least i’m still just me. pity those married people who may hv made promises to their spouses and kids.
i dont know what i would do.
seriously..they need to learn how to plan the schedules.

its been a sensitive and warm week with me and some friends.
we know each other well that we dont really need to say it out loud how we care for each other.
but being reminded again about that fact once in a while is good.
this week have seen me sheding tears a couple of times, for good and bad reasons.
crying does bring the ‘heat’ down a bit ;-p

though i’m not really looking forward to working saturday n sunday, cant wait for second round of lepaking with bestfriends – this time with rosa n sas.
plus another live show action in bukit jalil – haha, teka laa sendiri
..and oh yaaa a movie hang out with gundai pals on sunday.

and i got to pick 3 lucky people to come along to watch Night at the museum 2 screening at cineleisure next tuesday – ehsan of flyfm haha. i won again!

i’m glad there’s 4. i’d be in trouble choosing one person if i only get to bring one!!!
ngeeeee…..

a thank you note

its been quite a while.
and its good to be back
first of all, let me wish all mothers out there HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!!!
especially to my good friends – cikyam and rosa, cheerish every single moment of it yeah. you guys will be great mothers!!

yesterday, got to spend some quality time hanging out with 2 of my bestfriends – amal and cikyam. its very special this time cos we had cikyam’s daughter ayra chang who’s only 3 months old tagging along!!!! its fun watching the mother putting up with her especially when she’s in one of her bad moods..
its also fun watching ayra chang making faces and all different expressions according to her moods!! i got a little preview of this mother and daughter life within that 6 hours that we spent together, and it was fun..gotta see her cry, gotta see her smile..its true what they say that babies are so full of positive emotions that everything seems beautiful.. oh i’m sure u have to go through a lot of tough stuff too yam, but its worth it huh?? i wonder when will it be my turn to be in ur shoes

and most of all, i realized how lucky i am to have u guys as friends..i’m reminded again how great and warm it feels to be surrounded by people who take me as i am. who know my flaws but never let go. who tell me what i want to hear, and sometimes what i dont. who have always been here and there through thicks and thins. who could tell if i were ok or not just by listening to my voice. or reading my thoughts. who i can always confide in times of sorrows and share with in times of joys.
i am not ashamed to accept that i am not at my best in terms of emotional being right now, but because of u guys, i’m somehow still holding on to it. i am so sensitive these days – even writing this at this very moment put my eyes to tear – but yesterday reminded me again that no matter how hard it gets, whats important are the things that really matter in life, and you made me feel like i matter and that really knock me on the face

thanks for trying to be available for me to hold on even when u’ve become somebody’s wife and mother…and maybe somebody’s fiance hehe..
thanks for lending me your shoulders to cry on. thanks for being my eyes and ears.
and thanks for all ur prayers when i really need them
i could not ask for more.
maybe i haven’t said it enough….THANK YOU for all.

trial

few days back, i had a little (at least..) courage to rise and make a move..little but hopefully obvious move. and i did. and for a moment i felt i wasnt alone. .then i suddenly snapped back into reality.

so though there`s this voice inside that keeps telling me to keep enjoying whatever that i have now - i know better than to let myself go too far. i better pull myself back before i get drowned into something so deep it will hurt myself so much..so this weekend is  like a little trial. keeping myself off whatever thats making me feel miserable lately. trying to feel if its possible to live without it.

well so far, its been proven that i could live without it actually. but the weekend feels so slow. and lifeless.

what a terrible mess.